My Dearest Fee,

I miss you more than I know how to put into words. You cross my mind every single day, sometimes in the quietest moments, sometimes when I least expect it, and sometimes so intensely that I find myself wishing I could turn back time, even if only for a moment, just to be near you again. You occupy so much of my thoughts, so much of my heart, and so much of the spaces in my life that still feel empty without you.

I struggle with all the little reminders of you that seem to be everywhere. A place, a song, a passing thought, a familiar feeling. It doesn't take much for my mind to find its way back to you. Some days, I'm okay. I manage to carry on, to keep myself busy, and to convince myself that I'm learning how to live with your absence. Other days, I miss you in a way that feels almost unbearable, and no amount of distraction seems to make a difference.

And then there are the moments when I question everything. Sometimes I wonder whether what we shared was as real for you as it was for me. I wonder if perhaps I imagined more than was there, if I was the one feeling everything so deeply while you were simply passing through the same moments differently. I hate that my mind takes me there, because what I felt with you was real to me. It mattered to me. You mattered to me. And a part of me still struggles to make sense of how something that felt so meaningful can become something I have to miss from a distance.

I find myself looking for you everywhere. In crowds, in familiar places, in passing faces. Sometimes I catch myself wondering what would happen if we saw each other unexpectedly in public. Would we stop? Would we speak? Would we pretend not to notice each other? Would everything we have left unsaid suddenly find its way to the surface?

I've imagined those moments more times than I can admit. And the truth is, I don't even care if you were to yell at me, or if you had a hundred things to say that might hurt to hear. I would still want that moment. I would still want to stand in front of you and look into those eyes again. Just to see you. Just to know that, for a brief moment, we were standing in the same place, sharing the same air, no longer separated by distance and silence.

Maybe that sounds foolish. Maybe it is. But when you miss someone this much, even the smallest possibility of seeing them again becomes something your heart holds on to.

I don't know what you think about when my name crosses your mind, or whether it ever does. I don't know if you miss me, if you ever wonder about me, or if there are moments when you remember us the way I do. Those are questions I carry quietly, without answers, and perhaps that is one of the hardest parts of all this: not knowing whether the feelings that still live so loudly inside me have a place in your heart, too.

But I know what I feel.

I know that I miss you. I know that, despite the passing days and all my attempts to make peace with your absence, there is still a part of me that wishes things were different. I know that there are things I would give just to have one honest conversation with you, one moment without pretending, one chance to look at you and let you see everything I have struggled to put into words.

And most of all, I know that I love you.

I don't say that because I expect anything from you. I say it because it is the truth I keep returning to, no matter how much time passes or how hard I try to understand everything that happened between us. I love you in the quiet moments when I think of you before I fall asleep. I love you in the difficult moments when I have to remind myself that missing you doesn't mean I can have you. And I love you in those unexpected moments when the world carries on as usual, while something as simple as a memory of you can still stop me in my tracks.

I wish I could tell you all of this while looking into your eyes instead of writing it into a letter. I wish I knew what would happen if we stood face-to-face again. I wish I could know whether you would see in me the person who still carries so much love for you, or simply someone from a chapter of your life that has already closed.

For now, all I can do is be honest about what remains in my heart.

I miss you, Fee. I think about you every single day. I look for you in places you may never be, and sometimes I find myself hoping that life might give us one unexpected moment together again.

And if that moment ever comes, I hope I get to look into your eyes, even if only for a second, and remember what it felt like to be close to you.

Because no matter how much I try to explain it, no matter how much time passes, there is still one truth I cannot seem to escape.

I love you, Fee. I miss you more than you know, and a part of my heart still wishes it could find its way back to you.